Toward a New Formulation of Self-Esteem: Dependent, Independent, and Unconditional

By Tal Ben Shahar

According to psychologist Nathaniel Branden, self-esteem is the integrated sum of self-confidence and self-respect. Self-confidence refers to one’s feeling of competence and efficacy in facing life’s challenges; self-respect refers to one’s feeling of being worthy of happiness. Another helpful distinction in understanding the nature of the self is the one between dependent and independent self-esteem. As their names suggest, dependent self-esteem is self-esteem that is generated by other people whereas independent self-esteem is self-generated. Self-respect and self-confidence respectively manifest themselves as either dependent or independent self-esteem.

Self-respect can be enhanced or diminished by external approval or disapproval; if, for example, you tell me that a book I wrote is good, my dependent self-esteem is likely to be enhanced. On the other hand, if I look at the book and commend myself on doing a good job—regardless of others’ evaluation—my independent self-esteem is likely to increase.

Self-confidence can contribute to either dependent or independent self-esteem. It can be enhanced or diminished by comparison to others, by the feeling of superiority or inferiority relative to others. For example, my dependent self-esteem will increase if I compare my writing to others’ writing and believe that my work is better. On the other hand, I may also look at my work and appreciate the fact that I have done my best, or that I have improved and am doing well regardless of how well or poorly others are doing. In this case, my independent self-esteem is enhanced because I use myself, not other people, as a source of comparison.

	Self-Confidence Relative to Others	Self-Confidence Relative to Self
Self-Respect Other-Determined	Dependent Self-Esteem
Self-Respect Self-Determined		Independent Self-Esteem

Differentiating between dependent and independent self-esteem has important implications for education, moral behavior, work, and other domains. Our society emphasizes the dependent element, while almost entirely ignoring the importance of self-respect and self-confidence that are independent of others. Educators, parents, and managers are constantly told how important it is to lavish praise, thus strengthening the dependent element of self respect (external approval). In school, we are often graded on a curve, relative to other people, thus stressing the dependent element of self-confidence (relative competence). While external recognition is important, it is only secondary to helping people find that which is meaningful to them as individuals; while being better than others may be an important source of motivation, it is only secondary to intrinsically motivated improvement.

Cultivating a strong dependent sense of self to the exclusion of an independent source of evaluation leads to detrimental consequences. Those whose sense of self becomes dependent on external approval are more likely to conform to a charismatic leader who lavishes them with praise, even if that leader is advocating immoral action. Many Germans in the 1930’s and 40’s followed Hitler who exalted them (external approval) and told them that they were superior to the Jews and other races (relative worth).

A less extreme, yet negative, consequence of dependent self-esteem is prevalent in the workplace and in schools. An individual is less likely to be creative and original if her sense of self-worth is dependent on approval. She is more likely to follow the path that has already been taken, a path that has yielded praise in the past (for her or for others). In school, rather than trying to come up with original ideas, she will focus on grades and on memorizing that which the teacher asks for. At work, she will focus on doing things as they have been done before, without trying to innovate and risk failure. Also, relative competence, measuring one’s worth relative to others, may lead to unhealthy competition. Being better than others is the same as others being worse than we are. A person whose self-esteem is contingent on being better than other people is less likely to cooperate and help those around her, and in extreme cases may actively jeopardize others’ success.

The dependent and independent elements of one’s sense of self do not constitute the sum total of a person’s self-esteem. A third element, mostly absent from discussions on self-esteem in Western psychology, is unconditional self-esteem. The self-worth component of unconditional self-esteem manifests itself as unconditional acceptance; the self-confidence component is characterized by a sense of interdependence with others.

	Self-Confidence Relative to Others	Self-Confidence Relative to Self	Self-Confidence Interdependent
Self-Respect Other-Determined	Dependent Self-Esteem
Self-Respect Self-Determined		Independent Self-Esteem
Self-Respect Unconditional Acceptance			Unconditional Self-esteem

The self-respect of a person with unconditional self-esteem is not contingent on being praised by others (dependent self-esteem) nor on his own praise and approval (independent self-esteem). His self-confidence is not predicated on being better than other people (dependent self-esteem) nor on performing well relative to himself (independent self-esteem). The individual with unconditional self-esteem feels confident and worthy to the extent that he is unconcerned about evaluations and comparisons.

The person who accepts herself unconditionally, accepts herself by virtue of being alive. Failures do not dent her self-worth and she does not need others’ approval and praise to feel good about herself. If she is a writer, her motivation to write stems from her desire to bring into existence a good book; she does not write for the purpose of receiving accolades or for the purpose of proving to herself how good she really is. She writes not to impress—neither herself nor others—but simply to express.

One concern that some might voice about unconditional self-esteem (as well as independent self-esteem) is that not caring about external evaluation might lead to indifference toward others. In fact, the opposite is true. Those with strong unconditional self-esteem experience the highest form of connection with other people—interdependence.

A person with unconditional self-esteem readily helps others and, whenever possible, contributes to the well-being of those around him; he does not engage in social comparisons—another’s success does not threaten his sense of self. His primary motivation is not external approval; he does not perceive criticism as a threat to his ego, but as an opportunity for growth. Rather than putting up barriers by being defensive, he is open and sincere in his interactions. Driven by neither the need to be better than others nor by the need to be right in the eyes of others, his primary concern is a better, more genuine existence—for himself and for others.

There are many parallels between unconditional self-esteem and the Buddhist conception of "detachment." To quote the Buddhist nun Thubten Chodron, "Ordinarily, we become very upset when we are criticized or insulted. We are angry when our possessions are stolen; we are jealous if someone else gets the promotion we wanted; we are proud of our looks or athletic ability." By contrast, when we reach the state of detachment, "our mind becomes clearer and more capable of enjoying things for what they are. We live more in the present, appreciating things as they are now, without fantasies about what they are or will be… We become less ego-sensitive to every action other people do in relation to us." At the same time, detachment does not imply being indifferent to others and rejecting others’ feelings. On the contrary, "when we are not attached, our relationships with others are harmonious, and in fact, we care more about them." We become more compassionate, more empathetic toward others.

While interdependent self-esteem is very similar to the Buddhist notion of detachment, my understanding differs on two accounts. First, I do not believe that it is possible to experience detachment at all times. Unless we choose to live in isolation on a mountaintop by ourselves, it is inevitable that we sometimes lapse into comparison and dependence. As our self-esteem strengthens we experience less and less of these attachments, but to entirely rid ourselves of them seems unrealistic to me.

My second disagreement with the Buddhist conception is that I do not propose that we give up our ego and become ego-less. While our ego does often come in the way of living life to its fullest, the solution is not to discard the ego; selflessness is not the objective if we are to cultivate unconditional self-esteem. Only a person with a strong independent self-esteem, a person whose ego is strong to the extent that he no longer needs the approval and sanction of others to provide him a sense of who he is, can experience unconditional self-esteem and, consequently, a genuine, compassionate form of detachment. Having a strong independent sense of self is a precondition for unconditional self-esteem.

Unconditional self-esteem implies being detached from constant comparison with others and hence the dissipation of emotions like jealousy, envy, superiority or inferiority. Our ego exits the race and we simply, and wholly, exist. Our outlook becomes expansive, large enough to fully accept our selves and, as a result, others.

The experiences of being absorbed in a movie can provide a glimpse, an insight, into this state of unconditional self-esteem. While watching a movie our ego is put to rest and we become one—interdependent—with the characters. We do not feel jealousy toward them; we feel joy in their success and sadness in their failures; we grieve in their misery and delight in their happiness. Because our ego is not threatened, we are able to feel with the protagonists (happy in their success) rather than against them (jealousy or resentment). Another’s love does not threaten ours, another’s prowess does not highlight our inadequacy. Our ego can let down its guards because it knows that the characters are not real, and when the guards are down we become genuinely empathic and generous with our feelings.

Why is it, though, that we can feel so much joy and compassion toward fictional characters, total strangers, whereas the success of those close to us often makes us feel jealous and inadequate? Why are we filled with untainted joy when Cinderella falls in love, yet experience some jealousy when our best friend finds her prince charming? Why is it that we feel empowered to overcome any obstacle after Rocky wins the world title, yet feel inadequate and inferior after our best friend is selected as a Rhodes scholar?

While sentiments like jealousy and envy cannot be completely erased, they can be minimized if we learn to cultivate our independent and unconditional self-esteem. Research on ego development by Piaget, Loevinger, and other psychologists, supports the notion that if nature is allowed to take its course, we progress through four stages of development: from having no sense of self, to our sense of self being dependent on others, to an independent and, finally, an unconditional sense of self.

The process of developing a sense of self is analogous to the process of learning how to walk. When born, we are unable to stand on our own two feet. When we reach a certain age, we can stand upright, but are dependent on the support of another person or an object. Later, as we get stronger, we are able to stand without support and we begin to walk. Our first steps are precarious, yet we are independent of other people or objects. At this stage, we have to be conscious of every step we take—we have to consciously think about bending our knee, lifting our foot, and then putting one foot in front of the other. After a while, though, we no longer have to think about walking. We simply, and naturally, walk.

The parallels to the development of self-esteem are apparent. Initially, we don’t have a sense of self, no grasp of being a differentiated entity. In the second stage of development we are dependent on the support of others—parents, teachers, peers—for our sense of self. In the third stage of development, our sense of self is independent of others and we are strong enough to stand by ourselves: we provide our own self-evaluation. After a while, when we become more comfortable with this independence, we are ready to move to the next level of development in which we are no longer concerned with self-evaluation. We simply, and naturally, exist.

While the process of learning to walk is natural, it can be stifled. An overprotective parent who does not allow the child to stand up without help may prevent the child from developing independence in walking. The child may never learn to simply and naturally walk. Or, if a child’s legs are constantly tied, his development will be unnatural and unhealthy. Until recently, for example, the feet of some Japanese girls were bound tightly to keep them from growing because Japanese men preferred small feet. These women, some of them still alive, have problems standing up and walking without support.

Similarly, the process of self-esteem development can be—and often is—stifled. In fact, because constraints on the self are less apparent than physical constraints, they are much more prevalent. Our system of education and many of the widely accepted parenting practices are undermining, rather than helping, the development of the self. Through the excessive use of rewards and punishments, and through censuring any rebelious activities on the part of the teenager, our system of education is keeping the individual dependent on external approval. A child who is not provided the opportunity to assert his autonomy cannot progress to the level of independence which, in turn, prevents him from ever attaining unconditional self-esteem. Doctors would never recommend that children walk around with shoes that are two sizes too small for them. Yet educators—psychologists, teachers, parents—prescribe practices that constrain individual growth.

The young self, like a seed, has the potential for growth and beauty. But without the right nurture, without the appropriate light and nourishment, the seed cannot reach its full potential. Similarly, to enjoy healthy and natural growth or, in the words of Maria Montessori, to go through "spontaneous self development," we need certain conditions to be in place. The tender and malleable self must be supported and nurtured in its journey from the dependent to the independent self, and then further until it reaches full bloom, as an unconditional self—strong, compassionate, real.

* * *

I do not know of a way in which we can cultivate our unconditional self-esteem directly; it is only by fortifying our independent self that our unconditional self can emerge. To strengthen our independent self we must shift our focus from "being better that others" toward self-cultivation and getting better at what we do independent of others’ successes or failures. We need to actively pursue activities that we personally find meaningful as opposed to blindly conforming to the ready-made cultural norms. Rather than following the pre-scribed path, we must become our own scribes.

In presenting the four-stage model, I have suggested a linear progression that takes us from having no sense of self to unconditional self-esteem. A model, however, is an abstraction of reality—it is not reality. While the general trend of the process is, as the model suggests, linear, some remnants of earlier stages of development inevitably stay with us as we progress. We all experience each of the four levels of self-esteem throughout our lives. Even when our self-worth is dependent on others’ evaluation, we still get glimpses of an unconditional sense of self; even when our self-esteem is unconditional, we still enjoy praise and dislike criticism. Moreover, the model is simplified in that it does not capture the rich variance—of degree and kind—within each stage of development. For example, trying to impress every person we meet is a radically different form of dependence than being concerned with the evaluation of our close friends.

Unconditional self-esteem can afford us countless extraordinary experiences of the ordinary. When our sense of self, our ego, is strong enough, the success of the actors in life’s drama becomes our success, and the barriers between the I and the we dissolve. We experience pure compassion when others are in need, and unconflicted joy when they prosper. Like in the movies, we enter a fascinating world of passionate experiences, only our experiences are so much richer, so much more real. Too real for us to remain in our seats and simply watch.

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